The Jean Claude Van Damme of Oatmeal

Remember that movie Bloodsport? Jean Claude Van Damme travels to Hong Kong to fight in a clandestine martial arts tournament and, against all odds, defeats a punishing battery of sinister opponents, each trained in a fighting style more deadly than the last, to become the first Westerner ever to walk away victorious? Well, last month, this epic saga was relived in the Scottish Highlands. Only, instead of showcasing helicopter-style jump-spin heel kicks, it was an almost inhuman command of the spurtle that set these competitors apart. Because, as any dedicated follower of breakfast-sports knows, the difference between good porridge and great porridge is truly all in the stir. And at the 16th annual Golden Spurtle World Porridge Making Championship, held, of course, on World Porridge Day, Milwaukie, Oregon's Matthew Cox, with Team Bob's Red Mill, overcame America's thousand-year porridge-making deficit to become the first Yank ever to emerge from the steamy haze of simmering cereal clutching the much-coveted Golden Spurtle trophy. (Oh, and for the few of you who might not have known, a spurtle is a wooden rod used for stirring porridge. Of course) Though Team America had designs on the specialty category with its Oregon Orchard Oat Brûlée, which boasts a bounty of fresh fruit and a crispy, caramelized shell, they were bested by a custard-laced spotted dick. But in the end, it was nothing more than steel-cut oats, purified water, a bit of sea salt, and an exceptional stir that won Cox the title of World Porridge Making Champion, and earned America it's rightful place as world-class spurtlers.